it is what it is, isnt it?

do you know what its like, to come home to an empty bed.
flip through journals of repeated self-assurance and plans to improve, yet never moving an inch.
to change the orientaiton of your room in hopes to feel refreshed. how many orientations are there?
relying on the same 3 movies to give you a feeling you've only ever had while watching them.

reject degeneracy, avoid bad foods, work hard, exercise yet still feel horrible.
give in to desire, rot away, eat like shit and feel even worse.

the silent hostility of family that refuse to help. being foced to learn everything by yourself.
the amount of time i wasted for so long without any interference until i was an adult. now its my responsibility, and i accept that but surely they saw it coming. 
give the kid 0 direction or advice just to frequently ask him "so, how are things working out?" "you can do anything you set your mind to!"

soemtimes i think the inferiority i feel is the acceptance i never got from my dad, he always made it brutally obvious that i wasnt what he had hoped for.
playing in to what he wanted me to  be so that i didnt hurt his feeling, imagine that. going on hunting trips and fishing always made me realize how close we could've been if i was actually interested in those things.
he never hit me but i always felt that it was possible. he started hitting my mom a couple years before the divorce. i think he truly believes we dont remember. 
he slammed my mom to the ground one night in front of all his friends and their wives while drunk. not one person said anything and they also let him drive us home. the lack of conviction in these people makes my stomach feel empty. 
we were coming home after being on the boat one weekend and the tire to his boat trailer popped, out of a drunken rage he continued driving until the rim had been grinded in half. i think he even started a fire on the grass next to the road somehow.
the only thing i fear now is making anyone feel the fear i felt around him. the discomfort is unbelievable, the good times werent even good because the possibility of them being worse was a hair trigger pull away.
the awarness that being around someone like that gives you as a kid is so fucked up. to think like an adult at that age completley removes any chance of naivety. 

all of that sinks to the bottom and people continue viewing you on a surface level, expecting a kid to be a kid. even the people that witnessed all of it will ask themselves why isnt he normal. 
expecting you to do anything other than sit in your room all day.
you force a child to live in his head all day long then complain when hes self-absorbed.
the child i was is spiritually dead now so at least he dosent have to bear it any longer. this is only meant for adults.

the worst part wasnt living through it but the years spent asking myself why am i this way.
the comfort i feel when im alone bothers me because i know this isnt how it should be.


my mom on the other hand is everything a mother should be. i have to succeed, for her.

Aphex Twin - Stone In Focus