the mental state i lived in for most of my life—
a fog of inferiority, doubt, fear, and insecurity.

my entire identity for most of my life was a fluctuating combination of those feelings.

it serves as a constant reminder to never go back or at the very least recognize its existence and reject it.

waive yourself to the echo of who you could be. 
throw yourself into the abyss to realize its a feather bed.
you've acted in this play long enough.

lowverve
noun(also used as adjective, informal, neologism)

Definition: A state or quality of having diminished energy, enthusiasm or creative spirit; 
a subtle, quiet or subdued expression of passion or liveliness.

Example: He lived in a state of lowverve for years — never fully sinking, but never fully rising either.

Etymology: Blend of low (meaning subdued, minimal or reduced) + verve (meaning vigor, spirit, or enthusiasm)

Related Words: Malaise · Dull · Small · Insufficient