ENTRY 18

the weight of the world.
expectation, the unknown, societal standards, self-fulfillment, defeat, victory, to grow, to die.

when looked at from above, its seems simple yet overwhelming. a couple words are the foundation to your future. it can be kinda liberating to see it all right there but its good to know that these things are the fabric of reality...not a goal. you will win, but you will also lose, people will die and children will be born. all of these things will exist until the end of time and its up to us to determine how we deal with them.

the momentary feeling of thinking of it all at once can feel like a literal meteorite crashing into the side of your head. i think moments like that have sent me spiraling more than anything, the flood of thought is created by us, we create the meteorite lmao.

i notice myself becoming frantic sometimes, scrambling to make up for lost time. patience really is a virtue, but knowing how to be patient is a blessing. the spirit of a gambling man is driven by 2 things, winning and continuing. defeat doesn't exist in the mind of a gambler for the jackpot is only one spin away. we should all live life as if we have what we want. ive found that by believing you're the person you strive to be not only allows you to realize the goal easier but it makes the ride alot more enjoyable.

ive become exhausted by the idea of a goal or a destination, i really think if you want something bad enough the world has no choice but to give it to you. the stoic "lock in" Andrew Tate advice-giver freaks make my brain literally turn to jello. how long can they possibly go on talking about what to do and how to do it? if you are constantly thinking about how to achieve something, when will you relinquish yourself to the process of getting there? the greatest teacher is doing, not David Goggins bruh. blow your knees out kids! haha, gotta love dave. naturally, there's a little masochism needed to reject sin and all but cmon.

anywho, just clearing out the cobwebs, wanting to change the site again bc im perma-dissatisfied.

we should all treat life like a jackpot thats already been won. to breathe is to win.

(i know gambling is one of the most destructive addictions on earth...its metaphorical guys relax)

BRG - C11. TOUCH GRASS

sometimes, as an introvert i wish i could exist in a group of people and observe without them thinking i dont want to be there or feeling like they should include me in the conversation—like, im cool guys just keep talking. is that insane?

MACマイナス - Updated Floral Experience

12th floor office building with ferns.

creatively, america is so far down the gutter it almost hurts. straight up hanging out with pennywise. im not a patriot but yo, itd be nice.

detesting the present promises a miserable future.

KANA-BOON x Necry Talkie - Naimononedari

this song has played constantly in my head for like 2 months

the thoughtlessness that goes into killing small bugs, something about that seems wrong. you're 10x bigger than that thing why not move it away instead of stepping on it. what if giants were real. i just killed a bug btw.

in 2017 i had a crush on a chick that ran a popular meme page on instagram lol

Drone - Chastity

2016 summer vacation. if only i knew how good it really was.

notch sold his magnum opus just to buy a willy wonka candy mansion in beverley hills... freak.

Massive Attack vs. Burial - Paradise Circus

too much to say, just listen.

stained glass is a lost art, it goes hand in hand with how powerful architecture can be in uplififting humanity. how can you feel negative when you walk through a beam of rainbow sun rays. the fragility also adds to it. when something is eternal it never has the same effect, nothing will ever die on the internet. pages will never yellow. nostaliga really isnt even able to exist because we can just go back to what were thinking about to confirm or deny the emotion.

ENTRY 17

Its been a while since the 21 day mental fast. Admittingly, I wasnt as strict as I planned to be but I finished it with a deeper understanding of myself, what i want, how i operate and what my life really needs to look like for me to get to where i want to be.

I imagined it would be like a race. Once crossing the finish line you collapse on the ground but really it felt like the person i was at the end of it was who i have always been. Im only realizing this now, its pretty shocking at how quickly you can change your habits.

The two biggest takeaways are planning your day and authenticity. Being able to trust your gut especially in a creative field is probably the main difference between good and great. To trust your gut is to be yourself and an artist who isnt himself might as well be spiritually dead. How do you expect to uplift humanity without any conviction at all?

I heard someone say however much time you have to complete something is how long it will take. If you're anything like me you can meddle with something and allow your perfectionism to completley take over, setting a time limit avoids wasting time and tunnel vision. If you're working on something that takes multiple hours you can jump around between differnt things. I like the pomodoro method and I used 50/10 for a long time but i think 90/15 might be better.

I finished 1984 for the first time (i know). It was way better than my contrarian brain expected so ill let it sit in my subconcious for a couple months before i write a review. Reading more has also made my brain work better. One day i will have a study filled with books ive read...i dont understand how people go thorugh more than 30 books a year. What is wrong with them? When im 80 i'll sit in a room filled with books i love, even if its just a small pile... that will be enough.

I never had an answer to the question "What drives you more, Fear or Love?" until now.
Love.

Yet I still hum, a buzzing wire.

David Bowie - Bring me the Disco King

Klaus Schulze - Mental Door

my favorite ambient track of all time. wandering through a multi-layer city, you know something they dont.

Ayla - Ayla (Taucher Remix)

maybe the best trance song ever. poeple are naming their daughter ayla in the comments so you know its good.

a robot with no purpose is human

VECTOR GRAPHICS - DESTINE

streetlights go in and out like faded memories, it feels a little unreal.

ENTRY 16

one month into 2025 somehow. its truly liberating to feel that im exactly where i should be based on the efforts ive made. focusing has been hard, but i know its just a battle to reverse the years of programming my brain to run distract.exe every 30 minutes.

i was writing the other day and finally realized that this entire time i was in love with my suffering. i would always get near the idea but i could never put words to it. when i saw a picture of myself from like 11 years ago i could viscerally feel what i was thinking in that moment and realized i had been this way far longer than i let myself believe. the framework of my character for most of my life has been a mixture of inferiority, imposter syndrome and fear of success. the guilt of existing combined with expecting the worst has been like a bear trap clamped around my head. i guess i lived in that state of blame for so long that it stopped hurting. the comfort zone is a rutt and a rutt is a grave.

i always thought positive affirmations were corny and useless but it seems like the only way to fill the hole ive dug. to break up the monotony and challenge myself, im attempting a 21 day mental fast where i only think about what matters most to me. god helps those who help themselves, and to be honest, I haven't done much to help myself at all. if anything ive only worried, and worry is like praying to the devil. one foot in front of the other, dont look up.

hope everyone is staying warm. were all gonna make it

whats 9 + 10

Ace of Bass - Happy Nation

Reactor Room 0.3 | Dub Techno Mix

red eye to kepler-452b

the acorns falling on my tin roof could give a vietnam veteran flashbacks

Red - Fingerprints

sunday morning coding, a russian roulette youtube recommened pick, will listen again.

the softies - holiday in rhode island

there can never be enough twee. maybe the most refined asthetic in music. birds, fragility and the sound of wind blowing through tall grass. if u like this listen to gregory and the hawk.

breakcore is playing 2cm away from my eardrum and im still overthinking

ENTRY 15

i live in the south and have never really seen real snow. i guess i did as a kid once but i remember it being more like ice.

my family has been hyping this up for a week now and i thought they were exaggerating but i woke up today and went outside at around 8am and it seemed to be the same shit i saw when i was little. a couple hours later i walked back out and it was actually real powdery snow, the crunch beneath your feet and everything. i felt like guts after he left the hawks. its strange to see something for the first time through your own eyes as an adult. when i see anything on a screen i never register that the feeling would be completely different if it was right in front of me.

the wind shook the leaves and it looked like silent hill 1. i got a good picture. so much light is being reflected and it makes everything look bright but super low contrast. bleak but beautiful, in a sterile way. everything looks so clean.

its still falling as i write this so hopefully it lasts for a while, ill try to appreciate it as much as possible.

ideas are more valuable than plans

ENTRY 14

went out to eat for my birthday with my dads side but to make it i had to stay up for 24 hours because my schedule is fucked. bet i looked like a zombie, not sure if thats unusual though.

we talked about sour dough bread, sylvester stallone, seed oils and the movie "rad".

the workers came out with a sombrero and put whip cream on my face as they sang, the free churros were insane though.

i dont listen to nirvana anymore which might be why i havent thought about this in a while but i almost died in utero. the umbilical cord was wrapped around my neck and they had to do an emergency c-section. my mom always makes it a point to tell me when they pulled me out i was just looking around instead of crying. she always attributes that to why im so calm lol. id like to know if things like that have lasting effects on who you are. even though we dont remember the first 3 years of our life, surely the things we experience play a part in our subconcious.

me and my sister listened to joeyy on the way there, it was a good day.

ENTRY 13

i miss listening to my mom annoy the fuck out of me by playing bruno mars at 6am on our way to school.

i miss riding bikes with the kids on my street.

i miss feeling cold air against the layer of sweat on my skin as i walk through the door before dark.

i miss feeling like i was a part of something.

last entry i talked about making drastic changes and the way i use the internet is one of them. i've allowed it to steal so much time away from me for nothing in return.

when im reading blogs/forums that are away from the short form content it feels like my brain is actually on. scrolling through instagram makes me feel like im being mentally raped. nothing good has ever come from a twitch stream, instagram reel, or twitter. its sad i have to grow a resentment towards something before i have the ability to stop doing it but im at that point. i obviously lack the self-control to use these things in moderation but it really is the lowest form of entertainment possible. you have access to every movie, album, book, anime and game every created but you choose to read about your favorite millionaire getting a divorce or the opinion of a guy you dont even like. inherently, the internet isn't bad but most people don't have the awareness to realize this shit is literally giving you adhd.

i will sweat more.

i will write more.

i will think more.

your best ideas are on the other side of the silence you're avoiding.

organizing....making it right

ENTRY 12

another year passes by and i have nothing to show for myself. i was flipping through one of my old journals and saw an entry from 1-1-23 and it basically says all the things im still telling myself now. pretty pathetic.

october was a great month so it might seem bipolar because it was my last entry but in true fashion i had to find a way to sabotage it. this is a recurring theme in my life ive noticed, when i reach my stride i do something to completely throw it off in attempt to avoid an unexpected failure or maybe im just too insecure to believe it wont fail. its almost sickening at this point. its like the past 2 years have been for nothing. im really tired of being the person i am and always feeling bad about it. im a slave to consumption, dopamine, fear and the past. half the time im too distracted by it to even realize its not who i am.

for anything truly significant to happen i need drastic changes in my life. not tip toeing into things so that i can use the excuse that i didn't try or convincing myself im working hard when im not. the pain and misery i feel through change will grant me true fulfillment. i really believe that. almost in a masochistic way as if i deserve it because the only success ive had in my life is letting myself down and making my parents think they did something wrong. im not a stupid person, i know what i want to do and what i need to do to get there, yet im incapable of that. i should feel blessed that i even know what to do, most people don't get that far.

i find the world so beautiful. i want to make beautiful things.

this could just be another burst of motivation at 3am that lasts 2 days or it will be something i can look back on and say thats where my life changed because if i were to die now i wouldn't have anything to show for it.

---

maybe this should be another entry but i want to remember that resentment stems from your inability to achieve. the less i evolve the more i start to direct the anger i have for myself towards the world. i cant let this happen.

organizing....making it right

authenticity degradation

I want to play silent hill 3 but my brain dosent allow me to play video games without thinking im wasting time, guess ill just listen to the soundtrack :/

when i have a kid i want to create a font set of their letters each year, that would be sick.

when i have a kid i want to create a font set of their letters each year, that would be sick.