"he lived in a state of lowverve for years —
never fully sinking, but never fully rising either." - masha
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[10.9.25 2:42am]
Sea Oleena - On Possession
a dead leaf with no chance of turning green again. being held hostage by the wind. maybe some kid will walk by and burn a hole into me with a magnifying glass.
[10.9.25 2:39am]
i had no clue. i feel like a dead leaf.
[10.7.25 9:57pm]
John Maus - Rarities For The Road
we've had fun
[10.7.25 1:32am]
if you think about how much time we've spent on social media and compare that to how many things we remember while using it, you would want to drive straight to the nearest hardware store and casually browse the hemp rope coils with one finger on your chin. lets not think about it tho.
it hit me like a flash just now, you know how smokers quit after a change in mindset or how a crossed eye gets corrected after being hit in the head.
build the great wall of china in your mind and guard it with 10,000 rambo clones and give them all dirtbikes. the mongolians are LITERALLY short form content and mark saturnburger is the ghengis khan of time thievery. hahahaha
[10.7.25 1:23am]
nothing feels more superficial than trying to recreate a fond memory.
memories are better off treated like fantasies, just be thankful you have them.
[10.6.25 2:26pm]
Soutaisei Riron - My Heart Hard Pinch
[10.6.25 12:34am]
to unwind or to unravel
[10.5.25 12:51pm]
theres something to say about a band that is more comfortable performing live than in a studio. its hard to translate the energy of a live show into an album which is why they're almost always unheard of. you see this alot with midwest emo and underground/highschool bands from japan.
[10.5.25 12:20pm]
フジロッ久(仮) - はたらくおっさん
flickrscrolling
[10.4.25 12:04pm]
neocities seems dull compared to a couple years ago, kinda sad. lazybones, floppyslounge and internetbasedghosts inspired me alot. it was alwats meant to be a personal style blog but velvetblue inspired me to be more vulnerable and express my raw emotions, i really appreciated her site for that. no matter what you're saying, authenticity is important. its easy to supress opinion or just add funny gifs and flashing blinkies (which is fine and probably less mentally taxxing lmao) but ive understood more about myself just by giving my thoughts a permanent place to live. i guess this can be done with journaling or something more private but ive been more consistent this way for some reason. possiblebitmaps.com inspired the simplicity to a degree but i saw how much of a vicious cycle themeing can be. if anything causes burnout its gotta be that lol. taking a month to create a theme you're happy with only to change it 3 months later. it felt like i was switching the color of a folder that never received any new files. i cant wait to have years of logs. thats why i use midori notebooks, one day ill have a seamless shelf of the same journal spanning my entire life. constants are good.
[10.4.25 11:00pm]
ive been creating a mental list of phrases that need to come back.
No problemo!
Good Day, Sir!
Pardon?
Well, hell.
Good grief.
callings people you dont like "crumbs"
Bastard
only speaking in metaphors lmao
[10.4.25 10:47pm]
religion has provided us with the most beautiful stories throughout history. conviction is the single most important aspect of telling a compelling story and living a life of fulfillment. im not saying every religion is a fictional story. depending on what you believe, these were real events that took place. my point is that faith alone is able to create beautiful strings of thought, teach valuable lessons and compell people to create ethereal art. regardless of your religion or lack thereof, i think it would be naive to disagree.
[10.4.25 1:44am]
why aren't book covers like movie posters? why do they change?
im sure there's an answer but dont tell me. tyvm!
[10.3.25 3:26pm]
John Maus - Just Wait Til Next Year
[10.3.25 12:50pm]
blasphemy will not be forgiven. people usually comprehend this as a one shot deal. once its done, you are no longer allowed into heaven. i think this is a shallow understanding when you compare it to gods ultimate forgiveness.
blasphemy is a hardening of the soul. blasphemy is the dismissal of god over the course of a lifetime, making it impossible for him to reach you. for he hasnt't given up on you but instead you have crafted a shield so strong that it deflects the voice of god.
[10.01.25 12:17pm]
ano – Fuhen / THE FIRST TAKE
murmur
[09.30.25 12:30pm]
what id do to abandon myself into your hands
yes u
[09.30.25 9:25am]
recent findings uncover ancient dialogue between king andronius tatis and a lowly peasant family. it reads "hath his entire bloodline beheadeth for which he is a brokie." after, he promptly asks the wife "what was the hue of his bugatti?" before following the same fate of her husband.
[09.29.25 2:30pm]
Destiny OST - Main Menu Theme
destiny 1 was the last game with killer perfect art direction. i dont even think thats an exaggeration, if you played the game you know. such good times.
[09.29.25 12:54pm]
The Motifs - Cross Paths
[09.28.25 8:24pm]
just gonna write. the empty feeling has turned into complete disarray. im not sure it even matters to be honest because the world still spins regardless. strangely i have more drive than ever but nothing comes of it. i spend all day in total confusion, not in a nihilistic way but just a lack of understanding. i constantly ask myself what am i doing. not "why" just what. my mind has never felt this desperate. im waiting for something to click or fall into place. the modernity of my never-changing life feels like a pool of quicksand and ive only just realized im almost in over my head. maybe im im limbo between the next stage of my life. i dont feel alive and im not sure what more i can do to change that. i dont wanna live here but i dont want to leave either nor do i know where to go lol. people really have this shit figured out dont they? or do they? its not like im even trying to decipher anything i just want to live my life without squinting my eyes at everything i see. social media is aids, design is souless, architecture might as well be unreal engine assets. society is in complete psychosis as to what really matters. simple lives are rejected, anyone with a sliver or knowledge(not wisdom) on a subject is worshipped and best of all people are more unhappy than theyve ever been. depression and suicide rates are higher than they have ever been yet we refuse to reject evolution. they people tilling farms with horses were clearly happier so who is the arbiter of right and wrong. is it just ego that makes us seem superior, as if hard-work isnt what creates happiness, as long as its towards a greater goal obviously. we have sooo much free time now, machines wash out clothes, drones deliver our mail and our phones are now a helpful companion but what do we do with all this time? we complain about how bad it is when we arent completley absorbed with information we wont even remeber in 3 days. the ideal futuristic world were heading towards is anti-human. acutal brave new world future. nothing will stop it and that ok, it probably wont even happen in my lifetime but screaming into the void feels nice sometimes. if the evolution of tech and quality of life seemingly make us less happy while turning insane profit, do you really believe it will stop?
people with brain chips that block negative emotions and have systems built-in to feel constantly elated will look back at us and scoff at how primal something so similar to them could be. imagine being surrounded by micro-dossing mushroom people with mandala tattoos hahaha.
i watched the night is short, walk on girl earlier and liked it, reminded me of tatami galaxy.
does that discredit everything i just said LMAO?
man, writing feels better than talking sometimes. good night
[09.27.25 1:23pm]
general confusion
[12 for 12]September: Hyakkei - Standing Still In A Moving Scene
[09.25.25 4:19pm]
the art of annual reports and 35mm shadows
[09.22.25 7:09am]
simplicity maxxing this site holyyyy its so clean
[09.24.25 1:44pm]
a man on a thousand-mile walk has to forget his ultimate goal and say to himself every morning, "Today im going to cover twenty-five miles then rest up and sleep."
[09.23.25 8:55am]
Silver Fins - Waiting so long
[09.22.25 7:09am]
soulseek makes me feel like a digital merchant on the silk road.
[09.21.25 9:58pm]
this whole year has felt like a puzzle missing one single piece. i watch the strands float around but fail to see why or how they connect in any real way. still enjoy adding to this place, i can never decide on what to add vs what to leave on my computer. wouldnt want to make this a dumping grounds for everything, i feel like it can be more...idk. files hidden in folders on my c drive rot away only to be found months later and by that point the initial thought is so far off its impossible to further the idea. at least the things on here have a certain level of integrity that forces me to see it and fix/change. maybe its bc i know people are reading it and i have a fear of being misunderstood, or maybe i find vaguery annoying. anywho, seems like this will be a nice fall. dusting off the old playlists. wish i could be there for a stranger sometimes. skip all the shit that is required in the first couple months of knowing someone...yknow?
[09.21.25 9:48pm]
yr so cool!
[09.20.25 2:13pm]
feeling indifferent. not hungry, not thirsty, not driven or paralyzed, not overthinking or bored. literally just existing. i could just zone out for hours and not realize it. i feel patient, if that makes sense. im still going about my day normally and all. maybe ive reached a point where all thats left is to just do the things that bring me closer to my goals. ive exhasuted myself of planning, thinking, second-guessing, comparing and wasting time. i would always catch myself being insanely tense randomly and i notice it happen less now.
dont know why. the comfort of silence feels nice.
[09.20.25 9:02am]
Betelmire - Polyester Tea
beauty never runs out
[09.19.25 5:23pm]
monotasking
[09.17.25 8:18am]
1-800-365-pain
[09.16.25 6:41am]
Com Truise - Glawio
blindingly bright days ahead. squint is a weird word. what if you spent more time thinking about that future instead of the past? id love to be in a field split in half by blue and green, together. wish for moments that might not ever happen, its comforting. delusion maxxing.
[09.14.25 12:31pm]
SAINT PEPSI - Cherry Pepsi
this aint pepsi
[09.14.25 9:33am]
soft delicate scars running vertically alongside her warm tears.
[09.13.25 3:07am]
realized the other day that the movie HER isnt too far from existing.
cold wave of disgust.
[09.13.25 3:07am]
if only
[09.12.25 7:12am]
Foxtails - III
how could i forget
[09.12.25 6:34am]
cold mornings return. obligatory fall albums.
i wish the best for everyone out there, genuinely.
life is a gift wrapped in thorns.
[09.10.25 10:39am]
some people looove pointing out how much of an outcast you are.
[09.08.25 5:58pm]
Count Basie - Li'l Darlin'
[09.08.25 6:32am - in vain]
ever since my nana passed, mom hasn't had anyone other than me and my sister. her dad decided to drop in out of the blue. he pulled into the yard, honked once and after a couple minutes pulled out. made no real attempt to talk which shows how little he cared, guess he thought to drop by because he was in the area. why even stop if you dont care enough to get out? hes a workaholic and treats everyone like an employee. they were really close at one point but apparently when family drifts apart they become nothing more than strangers. shes very passionate and gets fiery because its hard to admit how much it truly hurts. i try to talk her down in a cold sterile way by explaining it's just who he has become and it's not an attack towards her, but fuck that. count on me to be rational against completely valid feelings. i hate myself for it. such a cold, morally superior fence-sitting way to think. not everyone needs a lecture on how the world works when they're unhappy. why can't i just hug her and say yea fuck him.
it's sickening to see people yearn for the love they deserve. the only love you're obligated to is that of your parents. as cold as this place can be you'd expect the people who decided to bring you into this world would be there. he didnt even tell her happy birthday. how hard is it to do the bare minimum?
"my dad didnt even wish me happy birthday."
what even is that sentence? read it 3 times and think of how insane it sounds.
the further someone slips away the less i care, for most people it's the opposite. you're lucky to have even one person you can count on.
[09.08.25 1:23am]
hearing anyone over the age of 40 complain about something not working out for them and instantly believing they didnt try hard enough.
it didnt work for me so avoid it at all costs young people! freaks.
[09.06.25 7:18am]
haven't been to sleep. preparing to conquer the world, as it typically goes.
mr and mrs time sure do run an unforgiving ship. scary how fast life goes when you're not paying attention. deciding if i should rewatch all the eva movies this weekend or just stare blankly at my ceiling.
[08.30.25 5:51pm]
unite at the hill atop this burning city.
nothings changed.
[08.30.25 5:51pm]
day in, day out
the sky does its usual dance between warm blues
inconsistent mowing of lawns
overgrowth that didn't exist when we moved in
mental barricades
dermatillomania
barbed wire crown
[08.30.25 1:28pm]
Chastity Belt - Caught in a Lie
pleasant
[08.29.25 9:09pm]
the fuck?
[08.28.25 11:32pm]
Lorn - SEGA SUNSET
sometimes i start stringing sentences together that make me look completley schizophrenia. i dont want people to think im schizo, because im not. but maybe thats what a schizo person would say? who cares
the combination of words has become one of my favorite art forms.
the duality of things that have nothing in common but make perfect sense.
[08.27.25 8:13am]
i had this strange feeling that all my favorite midwest emo mixes on youtube disappeared. download things u love guys!
[08.21.25 2:50pm]
newfound interest in field recordings
[08.21.25 12:35am]
REMINDER: dont stalk the people you went to hs with on instagram.
[08.19.25 12:58pm]
putting people on to kino instead of gatekeeping>
[08.18.25 1:44am]
HOOOLY SHIT IM AT A BJORK CONCERT!!
[08.18.25 1:35am]
windows has mono audio turned on by default and IT TOOK ME 7 YEARS TO FIGURE THAT OUT. dude ive never heard music like this without headphones it feels like bjork is in my bedroom right now
[08.17.25 1:48pm]
Charlie Kosei - Que Sera Sera
katamari damacy was super enjoyable. such a nice time. makes life slow down a bit, i recommend playing it before summer ends.
forgot how charming the ps2 was. i havent been in the mood to play video games in a long while but i might have to dedicate the weekends to some classic gaming. really nice to just disappear for a while.
[08.16.25 10:44am]
all about lily chou-chou except the guy is in the kuwait tire fields.
[08.15.25 9:50pm]
Leila - Underwaters
you can't spoil a good day with bad berries.
[08.11.25 9:50am]
chart with downwards trend that never plateaus
[08.10.25 12:03am]
Marconi Union - Weightless
[08.09.25 1:02pm]
children of tommorow will be raised in amazon basic warehouses. mismatched furniture from relatives, gargae sales and the one unexplainable table is a blip in the timeline of america. the future is here, the utopia we've all been waiting for. Finally! 1 hour assembly time...NO WAY! why would anyone want the bookshelf your great-grandpa built that has lasted 50 years? what you really need is a shelf made entirely from recycled parchment paper — painstakingly crafted using ancient wisdom from the heart of china...but wait, heres the kicker. literally everything will now include 3 usb ports and a complete dolby atmos sound system!!
(the light at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming train)
[08.05.25 1:16am]
unknown friends will come and seek you.
[08.04.25 12:28pm]
FRIENDZONE - REBOOT
this song makes me want to rewatch eva.
true evil will always operate under the guise of a heroes cape.
(last thought b4 i went to sleep last night)
[08.02.25 11:10am]
Michael Jackson - Off the Wall
consumerism is at an all time low. it'd be alot easier to destroy (enjoy) myself with good advertisements and mascots like moon man and joe camel rooting me on. we dont even get that anymore. least intelligent evil corp decision ever.
"lets worsen the quality of their beloved products to save money."
americana degeneracy isnt even worth it anymore but the alternative is the loaded pretentiousness of a cold, hard, lettuce wrap crunchhh.
tilt your head back, feel the last drop of matcha disappear, and just for a moment you'll believe you're miles ahead of everyone around you.
man. she really is the main character!
[08.01.25 3:54pm]
august first...yeah, right.
[07.31.25 10:26am]
tried a zyn and was on the verge of puking for 3hrs, what the fuck is happening. you cant tell me cigarettes are worse than vape chemicals from china or nicotine pouches that give you heart palpatations after 6-months.
embrace tradition. coffee and cigarettes.
only respectable trait of the french hehehe
[07.29.25 10:50am]
Haruomi Hosono - Sports Men
Who you are is a concept that has no grounding in the physical reality. Your identity is imaginary, and thus can exist either eternally or momentarily. The preservation, destruction, creation and manipulation of your identity and thus your fluid physical form and environment are exclusively under your direct power.
[07.28.25 8:01am]
"My schedule for today lists a six-hour self-accusatory depression," Iran said.
[07.26.25 7:58pm]
thinking about how they took 4:3 away from us. irate.
[07.26.25 11:34am]
my mind is becoming a booby trapped maze with no exit.
blow dart pressure plates, grenade trip wires, vietnam ankle spikes, pits of death, quicksand, saranwrap door ways, death star garbage compactors.
so on and so forth... y'know?
[07.24.25 6:15am]
The Smiths - Back to the Old House
pine walls before remodeling. doorway knight. ps2 cd stack. cold pleather couch. yelling. space heaters. the wooden staircase. looking over my left shoulder in the 4runner. blanket of fear. repo savior.
[07.23.25 2:35pm]
2 chairs and a table. white street light, no longer yellow. wet air. dry conversation. distant noise from the highway. crickets. the guy that leaves for work at 2am on his motorcycle but slowly idles without reving until hes out of the neighbourhood. sunlight shooting through the tiny hole in the blind at 9am directly into my eye. lip biting. tea.
[07.22.25 11:47pm]
the pangloss had anosognosia. who knew.
[07.22.2025 2:46am]
she was a SuicideSheep girl
he was a NoCopyrightSounds boy
[07.22.2025 12:01am]
(search) before:(insert year) for better youtube results
[07.18.2025 3:47pm]
flames of desire burn ultra-viole(n)t
[07.17.2025 7:25am]
.jpg)
me rn
[07.14.2025 9:35pm]
some things never change, do they? maybe this is why it takes so long to grow into yourself. ive been fighting against a constant for so long.
[07.07.2025 11:28pm]
XxiAvoidMirrorsxX
[07.05.2025 1:32am]
Jejune - Regrets are Unanswered Dreams
the potential of it all, as paralyzing as it is inspiring. waiting for the backhand with a smile.
[07.01.2025 9:18am]
an idea demands respect. if you are incapable of detaching yourself from what you do, good luck! its really hard to ignore your creative dysmorphia but the alternative is a lifetime of meddling and resentment. the process of creation is more than enough to get you home. all the doubt, fear, embarrassment, expectation and comparing is pointless and serves zero purpose. being authentic requires no explanation.
[06.29.2025 11:34am]
the book-keeper of our minds library hates dusting but he loves stimulants.
[06.05.2025 2:00pm]
Everyone Asked About You
in need of a real friend. just one. part of my brain tells me to keep working hard but the other half tells me to take a year to make up for my youth before its too late. i just need someone to do it with, why do it alone? ive always told myself that traveling is just running away but ive barely even left my state.
i need a change of pace, even if its just for a week.
[06.01.2025 12:25pm]
it hurts to see people get swept under by the same current im standing in. no matter how many life jackets i throw, would they even grab on? is it selfish to think they want/need my help? some people never asked for the hand they were dealt.
[05.31.2025 3:41pm]
the glittering sea looked like a field of snow.
[05.24.2025 12:11am]
The American Analog Set - Punk as Fuck
distant laughs will guide us in the right direction. our memories will keep us warm when it gets cold.
let us all grow old and ugly, together.
[05.19.2025]
Tokenainamae - Fresh Discommunication
i get these sudden urges to purge everything other than my mattress and computer. this site feels so clean compared to the rest of my life lmao.
[05.17.2025 - blue]
maybe through the belief that suffering is necessary in this life, i’ve developed this weird phantom thread relationship with pain and discomfort. i’m at the point where i don’t want it to happen, but when it does, i kind of wallow in it. i really don’t think it’s masochistic either — i just accept it.
ive spent so long fighting this battle against myself, I have a spirt that is deeply attracted to sadness that i cant pretend to ignore anymore. not in a crippling way or a depressed way even but just a general attraction towards things that make me feel sad. during these moment I feel genuinely alive, like i’m a real person or something in the most dramatic way possible. i genuinely prefer this state right now and maybe i always will.
sadness isn’t something that needs to be avoided. too much of anything is bad, even emotion. i think that’s when it becomes unmanageable. im sure the things i consume play a part in that. i don’t want to die. i find the world so beautiful, and i hope to flourish with everyone around me — but thinking that’s possible like this might be a delusion.
my body feels like an anchor. sometimes i imagine the world stopping its rotation for a moment and watching everything around me blow away. it’s hot in my room and i can’t sleep. what’s stopping me from turning on the ac?
Tacoma Radar - Falling Dead Stars
[05.15.2025]
Moe Shop - You Look So Good
leafy didnt age well but this did.
[05.08.2025]
someone said i looked like a joan of arc portrait. ill take that i guess lmao.
[05.06.2025]
Oasis - Talk Tonight
lets burn our bridge from both sides, this loneliness is torment. it is what it is?
[05.01.2025]
Flight Facilities - Clair De Lune
im allowed to succeed. im allowed to live the life i want to live. sometimes it seems so hopeless but i have to remind myself of this almost maniacally to
avoid sliding back down into the pit of despair that always seems to be one step behind me. its fucking exhausting to see people exist so comfortably.
[04.30.2025]
would you still love me if i was a worm? would you kill me if i was a demon? if i was myself would it be enough?
[04.30.2025]
Underworld - Sola Sistim
unreal. april comes to a close and im losing steam. i cant quit.
[04.25.2025]
life is like runescape in reverse, skilling from 1-10 is way harder than 10-99. everything is def a skill though, ive come to realize that even thinking is a skill. walking around all day De-buffed and dont even realize it smh.
[04.24.2025]
Greenflow - Every Single Time I Dream
the 70s produced such a natural sense of calm that i dont feel in any other era of music. its flows so well through the silence of life. im never sad when songs like this end. its not trying to make a statement or over stay its welcome. so good.
[04.23.2025]
Autechre - Warp Tapes 89-93
beep de de bu do dooo dooo
[04.20.2025]
Playboi Carti - WE NEED ALL DA VIBES!
the chinese girl with the tounge ring.
[04.17.2025]
my uncle modded my face onto the side of a banshee in halo 1 on my moms pc, blood gulch is the best map ever made.
[04.12.2025]
i told an ex family member i still loved them today, felt like they needed to hear it.
[04.09.2025]
baja blast is an actual mana potion.
[04.05.2025 - subconcious turnout]
at the end of the road in my old house there was a railroad track. i loved hearing it go by. it made me feel like i lived in a big city for some reason, especially at night. 10 years ago we moved. our new house had a train farther away that you could still hear but no where near our road.for the past 10 years, every time i heard the distant whistle of the train at the new house i would visualize it passing by down the road just like at my old house. literally 10 years. as i was coming back from a walk, i looked all the way down my street. the same street ive driven up and down a million times. the thought of a train dosent really enter your mind until you hear one, so like every other time before i was just seeing an empty road. coincidentally, that same night i heard a whistle and it finally connected.i have never felt like the world was more of a lie than in that moment. subconscious, perception and the focus we give to things really make up most of our existence. our past plays such a huge part in how we view the world. all the way down to our habits. this really gave way to the last entry. if we can "train" (hehe) our minds to believe something then after a while it becomes our reality.
Grimes - Zoal, Face Dancer
[04.04.2025 - gamble!]
the weight of the world.expectation, the unknown, societal standards, self-fulfillment, defeat, victory, to grow, to die. when looked at from above, its seems simple yet overwhelming. a couple words are the foundation to your future. it can be kinda liberating to see it all right there but its good to know that these things are the fabric of reality...not a goal. you will win, but you will also lose, people will die and children will be born. all of these things will exist until the end of time and its up to us to determine how we deal with them. the momentary feeling of thinking of it all at once can feel like a literal meteorite crashing into the side of your head. i think moments like that have sent me spiraling more than anything, the flood of thought is created by us, we create the meteorite lmao. i notice myself becoming frantic sometimes, scrambling to make up for lost time. patience really is a virtue, but knowing how to be patient is a blessing. the spirit of a gambling man is driven by 2 things, winning and continuing. defeat doesn't exist in the mind of a gambler for the jackpot is only one spin away. we should all live life as if we have what we want. ive found that by believing you're the person you strive to be not only allows you to realize the goal easier but it makes the ride alot more enjoyable. ive become exhausted by the idea of a goal or a destination, i really think if you want something bad enough the world has no choice but to give it to you. the stoic "lock in" Andrew Tate advice-giver freaks make my brain literally turn to jello. how long can they possibly go on talking about what to do and how to do it? if you are constantly thinking about how to achieve something, when will you relinquish yourself to the process of getting there? the greatest teacher is doing, not David Goggins bruh. blow your knees out kids! haha, gotta love dave. naturally, there's a little masochism needed to reject sin and all but cmon. anywho, just clearing out the cobwebs, wanting to change the site again bc im perma-dissatisfied. we should all treat life like a jackpot thats already been won. to breathe is to win. (i know gambling is one of the most destructive addictions on earth...its metaphorical guys relax) BRG - C11. TOUCH GRASS [04.03.2025] sometimes, as an introvert i wish i could exist in a group of people and observe without them thinking i dont want to be there or feeling like they should include me in the conversation—like, im cool guys just keep talking. is that insane? [03.29.2025] MACマイナス - Updated Floral Experience 12th floor office building with self-watering ferns. [03.27.2025] creatively, america is so far down the gutter it almost hurts. straight up hanging out with pennywise. im not a patriot but yo, itd be nice. [03.26.2025] detesting the present promises a miserable future. [03.23.2025] KANA-BOON x Necry Talkie - Naimononedari this song has played constantly in my head for like 2 months [03.22.2025] the thoughtlessness that goes into killing small bugs, something about that seems wrong. you're 10x bigger than that thing why not move it away instead of stepping on it. what if giants were real. i just killed a bug btw. [03.19.2025] in 2017 i had a crush on a chick that ran a popular meme page on instagram lol [03.19.2025] Drone - Chastity 2016 summer vacation. if only i knew how good it really was. [03.15.2025] notch sold his magnum opus just to buy a willy wonka candy mansion in beverley hills... freak. [03.14.2025] Massive Attack vs. Burial - Paradise Circus too much to say, just listen. [03.12.2025] stained glass is a lost art, it goes hand in hand with how powerful architecture can be in uplififting humanity. how can you feel negative when you walk through a beam of rainbow sun rays. the fragility also adds to it. when something is eternal it never has the same effect, nothing will ever die on the internet. pages will never yellow. nostaliga really isnt even able to exist because we can just go back to what were thinking about to confirm or deny the emotion. [03.09.25 - puremode] Its been a while since the 21 day mental fast. Admittingly, I wasnt as strict as I planned to be but I finished it with a deeper understanding of myself, what i want, how i operate and what my life really needs to look like for me to get to where i want to be. I imagined it would be like a race. Once crossing the finish line you collapse on the ground but really it felt like the person i was at the end of it was who i have always been. Im only realizing this now, its pretty shocking at how quickly you can change your habits. The two biggest takeaways are planning your day and authenticity. Being able to trust your gut especially in a creative field is probably the main difference between good and great. To trust your gut is to be yourself and an artist who isnt himself might as well be spiritually dead. How do you expect to uplift humanity without any conviction at all? I heard someone say however much time you have to complete something is how long it will take. If you're anything like me you can meddle with something and allow your perfectionism to completley take over, setting a time limit avoids wasting time and tunnel vision. If you're working on something that takes multiple hours you can jump around between differnt things. I like the pomodoro method and I used 50/10 for a long time but i think 90/15 might be better. I finished 1984 for the first time (i know). It was way better than my contrarian brain expected so ill let it sit in my subconcious for a couple months before i write a review. Reading more has also made my brain work better. One day i will have a study filled with books ive read...i dont understand how people go thorugh more than 30 books a year. What is wrong with them? When im 80 i'll sit in a room filled with books i love, even if its just a small pile... that will be enough. I never had an answer to the question "What drives you more, Fear or Love?" until now. Love. Yet I still hum, a buzzing wire. David Bowie - Bring me the Disco King [02.19.2025] Klaus Schulze - Mental Door my favorite ambient track of all time. wandering through a multi-layer city, you know something they dont. [02.08.2025] Ayla - Ayla (Taucher Remix) maybe the best trance song ever. poeple are naming their daughter ayla in the comments so you know its good. [02.04.2025] a robot with no purpose is human [02.04.2025] VECTOR GRAPHICS - DESTINE streetlights go in and out like faded memories, it feels a little unreal. [02.03.2025 - 21] one month into 2025 somehow. its truly liberating to feel that im exactly where i should be based on the efforts ive made. focusing has been hard, but i know its just a battle to reverse the years of programming my brain to run distract.exe every 30 minutes. i was writing the other day and finally realized that this entire time i was in love with my suffering. i would always get near the idea but i could never put words to it. when i saw a picture of myself from like 11 years ago i could viscerally feel what i was thinking in that moment and realized i had been this way far longer than i let myself believe. the framework of my character for most of my life has been a mixture of inferiority, imposter syndrome and fear of success. the guilt of existing combined with expecting the worst has been like a bear trap clamped around my head. i guess i lived in that state of blame for so long that it stopped hurting. the comfort zone is a rutt and a rutt is a grave. i always thought positive affirmations were corny and useless but it seems like the only way to fill the hole ive dug. to break up the monotony and challenge myself, im attempting a 21 day mental fast where i only think about what matters most to me. god helps those who help themselves, and to be honest, I haven't done much to help myself at all. if anything ive only worried, and worry is like praying to the devil. one foot in front of the other, dont look up. hope everyone is staying warm. were all gonna make it Ace of Bass - Happy Nation [02.02.2025] Reactor Room 0.3 | Dub Techno Mix red eye to kepler-452b [01.26.2025] the acorns falling on my tin roof could give a vietnam veteran flashbacks [01.26.2025] Red - Fingerprints sunday morning coding, a russian roulette youtube recommened pick, will listen again. [01.25.2025] the softies - holiday in rhode island there can never be enough twee. maybe the most refined asthetic in music. birds, fragility and the sound of wind blowing through tall grass. if u like this listen to gregory and the hawk. [01.22.2025] breakcore is playing 2cm away from my eardrum and im still overthinking [01.21.2025 - snow] i live in the south and have never really seen real snow. i guess i did as a kid once but i remember it being more like ice. my family has been hyping this up for a week now and i thought they were exaggerating but i woke up today and went outside at around 8am and it seemed to be the same shit i saw when i was little. a couple hours later i walked back out and it was actually real powdery snow, the crunch beneath your feet and everything. i felt like guts after he left the hawks. its strange to see something for the first time through your own eyes as an adult. when i see anything on a screen i never register that the feeling would be completely different if it was right in front of me. the wind shook the leaves and it looked like silent hill 1. i got a good picture. so much light is being reflected and it makes everything look bright but super low contrast. bleak but beautiful, in a sterile way. everything looks so clean. its still falling as i write this so hopefully it lasts for a while, ill try to appreciate it as much as possible.
[01.14.2025]
ideas are more valuable than plans
[01.18.2025 - umbilical noose]
went out to eat for my birthday with my dads side but to make it i had to stay up for 24 hours because my schedule is fucked. bet i looked like a zombie, not sure if thats unusual though.
we talked about sour dough bread, sylvester stallone, seed oils and the movie "rad".
the workers came out with a sombrero and put whip cream on my face as they sang, the free churros were insane though.
i dont listen to nirvana anymore which might be why i havent thought about this in a while but i almost died in utero. the umbilical cord was wrapped around my neck and they had to do an emergency c-section. my mom always makes it a point to tell me when they pulled me out i was just looking around instead of crying. she always attributes that to why im so calm lol. id like to know if things like that have lasting effects on who you are. even though we dont remember the first 3 years of our life, surely the things we experience play a part in our subconcious.
me and my sister listened to joeyy on the way there, it was a good day.
[01.13.2025 - internet]
i miss listening to my mom annoy the fuck out of me by playing bruno mars at 6am on our way to school.
i miss riding bikes with the kids on my street.
i miss feeling cold air against the layer of sweat on my skin as i walk through the door before dark.
i miss feeling like i was a part of something.
last entry i talked about making drastic changes and the way i use the internet is one of them. i've allowed it to steal so much time away from me for nothing in return.
when im reading blogs/forums that are away from the short form content it feels like my brain is actually on. scrolling through instagram makes me feel like im being mentally raped. nothing good has ever come from a twitch stream, instagram reel, or twitter. its sad i have to grow a resentment towards something before i have the ability to stop doing it but im at that point. i obviously lack the self-control to use these things in moderation but it really is the lowest form of entertainment possible. you have access to every movie, album, book, anime and game every created but you choose to read about your favorite millionaire getting a divorce or the opinion of a guy you dont even like. inherently, the internet isn't bad but most people don't have the awareness to realize this shit is literally giving you adhd.
i will sweat more.
i will write more.
i will think more.
your best ideas are on the other side of the silence you're avoiding.
[01.03.2025]
organizing....making it right
[01.01.2025 - alignment]
another year passes by and i have nothing to show for myself. i was flipping through one of my old journals and saw an entry from 1-1-23 and it basically says all the things im still telling myself now. pretty pathetic.october was a great month so it might seem bipolar because it was my last entry but in true fashion i had to find a way to sabotage it. this is a recurring theme in my life ive noticed, when i reach my stride i do something to completely throw it off in attempt to avoid an unexpected failure or maybe im just too insecure to believe it wont fail. its almost sickening at this point. its like the past 2 years have been for nothing. im really tired of being the person i am and always feeling bad about it. im a slave to consumption, dopamine, fear and the past. half the time im too distracted by it to even realize its not who i am. for anything truly significant to happen i need drastic changes in my life. not tip toeing into things so that i can use the excuse that i didn't try or convincing myself im working hard when im not. the pain and misery i feel through change will grant me true fulfillment. i really believe that. almost in a masochistic way as if i deserve it because the only success ive had in my life is letting myself down and making my parents think they did something wrong. im not a stupid person, i know what i want to do and what i need to do to get there, yet im incapable of that. i should feel blessed that i even know what to do, most people don't get that far. i find the world so beautiful. i want to make beautiful things. this could just be another burst of motivation at 3am that lasts 2 days or it will be something i can look back on and say thats where my life changed because if i were to die now i wouldn't have anything to show for it.
maybe this should be another entry but i want to remember that resentment stems from your inability to achieve. the less i evolve the more i start to direct the anger i have for myself towards the world. i cant let this happen.
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- since '24
with verve -